With Pork Throat

My Satan Pony

2012-01-27T21:33:00.005+08:00

I was having a perfectly lovely Friday evening. After a long day at work I met my handsome husband for dinner and drinks at our favorite bar, then we had a stroll through Central, stopped at a great used bookstore, and then wandering back to the bus stop I saw this:

WTF is wrong with graffiti artists in Hong Kong? Why must they paint the stuff of nightmares? (And this nightmare pony follows closely on the heels of this.)

Where's Banksy when you need him? I want something uplifting.

Snapshots of Hong Kong

2012-01-26T12:02:00.008+08:00

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were holidays for Chinese New Year. But it's now Thursday and I'm not at work. Why? Apparently the feng shui calendar declared that today is not an auspicious day to return to work, so we don't have to go in until tomorrow - at 11 no less! (that being the optimal time to begin work in the new year). I'm not a religious or superstitious person, but giving me an extra day off is a good way to gain my sympathies. I'm now a believer.

So I'm taking my extra day off to clean out the photos on my phone. Here are a few random shots:

Hair falling out? Try this "Anti-Hair Fall shampoo" - endorsed by Jackie Chan!

Corn chocolate. Do not want.

Just a dragon getting on a minibus:

A huge banner hanging in Central - "Drug Driving may be Your Journey to Death." Never fails to raise my spirits.

Heh. Heh heh heh.

And these two had just wandered out of the KFC in the mall next door:

Kung Hei Fat Choi, again!

The saddest graffiti in the world

2012-01-25T07:31:00.005+08:00

I have to find a new way to get into Central every day, because I just can't walk by this anymore.

The panda isn't crying - the paint is just running. Right? Right??

Hong Kong in orange and red

2012-01-24T11:04:00.012+08:00

Most of these photos are pretty blurry, but this gives you an idea of HK's color scheme this time of year. The word for tangerine sounds like the word for "luck", so these little orange trees are everywhere -

And red, which is supposed to drive away bad luck and the legendary beast Nian -

At least, these are the explanations that Google gives me.

Also, here's what the streets of Tuen Mun looked like yesterday, the first day of Chinese New Year - eerily deserted:

It was like a "28 Days Later"/Chinese New Year crossover. No bumping into people on the street, no being blocked in by a group of 20 schoolgirls chattering and eating ice cream, no having the sidewalk blocked by an elderly couple walking side by side at .0025 km/hour... it was wonderful.

But headed into Central tonight for the festivities, which I'm pretty sure will be a different story.

Year of the Dog(s and Thieves)

2012-01-23T09:03:00.007+08:00

Spent a freezing New Year's Eve at Victoria Harbour with one of my oldest friends, beer.

Then headed over to Lamma to meet some guys at a bar and have more beer and somehow ended up missing the ManU game. But now it's the first day of the new year and I've got to pull it together - remember gweilos, do NOT leave the house today without plenty of these:

Your entire building staff is waiting. The cleaning staff will be in the lobby all day, sweeping the same corners for hours. The doormen will change shifts every ten minutes. The maintenance guy will magically find something to "fix" on your floor...

In other news, if you missed the video of the Chinese university professor calling Hong Kongers "dogs and thieves", it's been removed from YouTube as a violation of their policy on hate speech. But you can still see video of the original incident on the MTR here.

I don't know where I come down on this. Like most Hongkies, I definitely feel the tension at this time of year when the city is invaded by mainlanders. But pushing the emergency stop button because a kid was eating noodles? I guess we all have our breaking points, but mine is probably closer to "child pooping in a bag in the middle of the street" than "eating noodles on the train."

Danger Danger!

2012-01-22T09:54:00.007+08:00

The temperature has dropped precipitously and the Hong Kong Government has issued a Cold Weather Warning.

Residents are advised to stay indoors, but "If you must go out, please avoid prolonged exposure to wintry winds."

Also, "If you know of elderly persons or persons with chronic medical conditions staying alone, please call or visit them occasionally to check if they need any assistance."

It is currently 55 degrees.

I'm dealing with the dangerous conditions like so:

And speaking of warnings, this photo is Hong Kong in a nutshell:

Build a beautiful fountain with floating flowers to class up the place; in planning stages do not anticipate that said fountain (a) is too small to contain the volume of water pumped through, and (b) is in the entryway to a popular restaurant; fix problem by placing FOUR warning signs around said fountain. Done!

It's lovely.

That time of year

2012-01-20T17:50:00.004+08:00

Kelly gets home tonight after five weeks out of town. I was planning on going to meet him at the airport, but I'm pretty sure I don't remember what he looks like anymore. So I'm just gonna assume that whoever shows up at my door around 9:30 is my husband. This could make for an awkward pizza delivery.

And Monday is the big day - Chinese New Year. Hope everyone's well stocked up on these:

The bane of gweilo existence. Who do I give them to again? How much for the doorman? Wait - do I even know this kid? Oh god I forgot to go to the bank and I only have crumpled bills whatdoIdo??

You have two choices:

1. Hand out lai see incorrectly; or

2. Stay indoors for the next five days.

There is no other option. Choose wisely.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

2012-01-18T19:37:00.005+08:00

With Chinese New Year coming up, I'd just like to throw this out there - more lion (tiger?) dances should be like this.

The butt wiggle at 2:07 delights me.

Luck and prosperity for the New Year!

2012-01-17T18:39:00.010+08:00

Today I had a meeting with the Canadian Chamber of Commerce, during which the heel of my shoe broke off. I realized this when the meeting ended, I stood up, and promptly fell over.

"Well, it was nice meeting y-"

faceplant on conference table

Limping to my bus stop afterwards, I passed this sign at McDonald's - special for Chinese New Year, the Prosperity Burger!

That burger does not look like prosperity. Unless prosperity looks like a slice of human brain coated with teriyaki sauce. In which case I'm cool without any prosperity this year, thanks.

The best part of my morning

2012-01-16T13:04:00.003+08:00

This guy and his brother live in the dried seafood shop beside my office building. They're my favorite part of going to work and I love them.

They, on the other hand, do not seem to care about me at all. But I guess if you're a cat living in a seafood shop your life is pretty much perfect and you don't need some huge gweilo babytalking and messing up your hair every morning.

In other news, my office is blasting music and I am currently listening to a very odd new age cover of New Order's Blue Monday. I don't know how I feel about this.

More progress!

2012-01-14T12:29:00.006+08:00

HUGE EXCITING NEWS: The supermarket next door has just started carrying frozen pizza.

So this is what my grocery shopping looks like when my husband is out of town:

In slightly related news, it turns out that eating a 7-11 sandwich for breakfast every morning for a month has no negative health consequences.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

2012-01-13T15:06:00.005+08:00

Mark your calendars, people!

Apparently In-N-Out is coming to Hong Kong for FOUR HOURS ONLY on Sunday the 15th. I imagine the line will be longer than when the new Apple store opened, so get there early.

Information here!

Please god, let this be true...

What have I done??

2012-01-11T20:56:00.010+08:00

Occasionally 7-11 runs a promotion where for every $10 you spend, you get a sticker. You then collect those stickers to redeem for one of the toys that they're currently carrying. You may recall that a few years ago I became obsessed with the kewpie doll food products they had. I love collecting this stuff.

But the current toys are Hello Kitty. And I do not like Hello Kitty. At all.

Here's how the story starts: recently at work I overheard one of my new coworkers say that she was collecting the stickers to try to get all of the Hello Kitty toys. So I started giving her all of the stickers I collected. And I collect a lot of stickers (when you buy your wine at 7-11, they tend to pile up). She's a huge Hello Kitty fan and was completely baffled as to why I would do this, so to avoid hurting her feelings I told her that I collected too many of these toys and my husband told me I couldn't have any more. Big mistake.

And when she said, "I'm so glad I found someone else who loves Hello Kitty!" (like that's so difficult to find in Hong Kong) I just nodded and smiled. Bigger mistake.

Apparently to her this all translated as "OMG I luvvvvv Hello Kitty SO MUCH but my meanie husband won't let me have them :( :( ;( "

And then the horror began.

First, she brought me a Hello Kitty keychain.

Then a small figurine of Hello Kitty riding a unicorn (pictured above).

Then a Hello Kitty mechanical pencil.

And today? Today a framed drawing of Hello Kitty.

My desk at work looks like a developmentally disabled gay unicorn vomited all over it. How do I stop this madness??

File this under "Things That Would Never Happen in America"

2012-01-10T20:46:00.004+08:00

Today my coworker saw me having lunch and said, "Oh my god - you like cheese? I'm SO glad I found somebody else that likes cheese!"

Progress!

2012-01-06T05:55:00.006+08:00

Yesterday at the market someone asked me something in Cantonese when I wasn't really paying attention, and I immediately responded in Canto without going through the usual *translate Canto to English...okay that's what he's saying....now translate reply from English to Canto*. A great victory!

I used to think these little victories were a problem, because then people assumed I was fluent in Canto and would attempt to hold whole conversations with me. After faking my way through many of these, I've learned that faking it is one of the best ways to learn. So you go on with your non-fluent self and hold a full conversation with someone in Canto. The worst that can happen is that they think you're slightly mentally imbalanced when you answer "How many of these do you want?" with "Over there." And they already think you're crazy anyway.

In other mundane anecdotal news, coming home from work today I saw my bus pulling up to the stop when I was still a block and a half away. I started running full speed down the sidewalk, my coat flapping, tiny Chinese people flying everywhere, until I made it to the stop panting and sweating... and saw that it wasn't my bus. I stopped short while the bus still had its doors open and there was a moment when the driver and I locked eyes as I just stood there wild-eyed and gasping for breath. It seemed to last... forever. The driver looked terrified. Then he slowly closed the doors, and without ever taking his eyes from me, slowly merged back into traffic.

All up in 2012

2012-01-05T09:07:00.008+08:00

After ringing in the new year by drinking multiple miniature bottles of white wine on a flight from Texas, I'm settled back in Hong Kong. So far I've got to say that 2012 is treating me very well. The next few months are well mapped out, with one of my best childhood friends coming to visit next week, a trip to Australia in February, then a visit from my sister in March, then a trip to Barcelona in June, then (finally!) the Trans-Siberian this summer.

The only downside at the moment - I'm pretty sure someone broke into my flat while I was on holiday in Texas and replaced all of my pants with identical versions one size smaller. The police have been of no help.

I hope everyone else is doing great as well!

P.S. - Eff the gym - my new year's resolution is to be better about keeping up this blog. We'll see how that goes.

More adventures in my (lack of) multilingualism

2011-12-19T17:08:00.003+08:00

I'm going out of town for a week (48 hours of travel for four days with the family, but totally worth it just to get some Texas food) so I called to cancel my water delivery.

Me: "I'm going on holiday and I'd like to cancel the delivery."

Water rep: "How long you like to suspend your cervix?"

Well that sent some damn shivers down my spine. I think I'm in for some particularly terrifying nightmares tonight.

But I'm under no illusions that my attempts at speaking Canto don't create similar WTF moments. For example, the other day at the fruit market I was attempting to ask the vendor "Do you have four of these?" But I'm pretty sure I said, "Are you dead with this?" while pointing at a guava.

She looked nervous and nodded.

Dry it, and they will come.

2011-12-15T15:22:00.007+08:00

My new office is in Sheung Wan along "Dried Seafood Street".

Well, not always dried. I guess this is smoked fish (if exhaust fumes count as smoke).

So, of course, the neighborhood is inundated with cats. Here are a few of my favorites -

This is the fat guy who lives next door to my office. He has a smaller brother, but I think they don't get on well because fatty is really self-conscious about his weight.

This morning he was frantically rubbing his head on some cardboard boxes to get a rub, so I stopped to pet him. But not before snapping a photo.

Here he is, very conscious of the dramatic lighting and striking a pose.

Cats kicking back on bales of dried... um... somethings.

Looking wistfully at some dried fish.

And a proud owner.

I love it here.

Clockenflap!

2011-12-11T12:52:00.007+08:00

Yesterday Kelly and I went to day one of Clockenflap - a two-day music festival. Tickets are free, but you have to register well in advance because attendance is limited. After missing out last year, we registered as soon as we heard about it this year. So far, we haven't been disappointed. The music is awesome - Zebra and Snake have been the best so far, but tonight is the Cribs and Santigold, who should both be pretty good. The location is the promenade along the West Kowloon Cultural District, and it's gorgeous. Some photos:

Waiting to get in:

Me with my two favorite things - beer and Kelly:

Handsome men:

The harbour:

Christmas lights across the harbour:

After dark - cool weather and a full moon. Perfect:

And a brief video clip right after sunset during the Zebra and Snake show, just to get a sense of the venue:

Lots of fun, headed back today!

Our Epic Trip - The Movie!

2011-12-10T12:46:00.002+08:00

Our epic trip from Hong Kong to Kazakhstan (by train!) has been made into a movie by the fabulous Happy Jellyfish Peoples Democratic Language Bureau. Not only does this film feature yours truly, but it contains all the information you need to make this epic trip yourself - Mando phrases, drinking etiquette, where to visit (and where to avoid), the best foods to try... even the proper backpack to carry! At $100 HKD, that's less than one HKD per minute! Check out the trailer, then head over to Happy Jellyfish to get yourself a copy.

Grocery shopping is never boring.

2011-11-09T16:36:00.003+08:00

You can tell I shop at the classy supermarket because they only sell EDIBLE frog.

(Also, how awesome is it that I live in a place where they print the scientific name of the animal on the package?)

Hong Kong in 2x5 inches

2011-11-03T11:25:00.002+08:00

My new iPhone cover, bought in Shenzhen. Louis Vuitton, gold, rhinestones.... the Hong Kongiest thing I've ever owned.

In other news, the new iPhone will be released in Hong Kong on November 11th. Families in Central should start sending their domestic helpers to wait in line right about... now.

Bunny transport

2011-11-02T11:32:00.001+08:00

I take back everything I've ever said about Cantonese food.

2011-10-31T07:15:00.012+08:00

Okay, not really. But holy wow - last night we had some amazing food.

We'd walked by the Hoi Tin Garden restaurant a few times and noticed a plaque on the facade proclaiming that The Wall Street Journal (that bastion of culinary discrimination) had called it one of the "Top 10 Restaurants in Asia." What? In Tuen Mun? So we had to give it a try.

It's located on a street full of shops selling seafood, so first you walk around and buy your victims.

"Today...you die."

You then carry the writhing, dripping bag into the restaurant, hand it to your waitress, sit back, drink a beer (okay, it was three beers. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME), and wait.

And then the food begins arriving. We started with a few non-seafood dishes. First, the best char siu pork I've ever had:

Roasted goose:

Then on to the seafood. Crab in curry:

Prawns with garlic:

Fish steamed in soy sauce:

Stop staring at me, fish! What did I ever do to you?? Oh... nevermind.

And razor clams with noodles:

I think there were some vegetables as well, but really - who cares?

Oktoberfest

2011-10-15T07:17:00.006+08:00

We went to King Ludwig's BeerHall in Yuen Long last night. Here's how the conversation with the waitress went:

Me: I'll have one liter of blahblahlager.

Her: One liter?

"Yes."

"One liter?"

"Yes."

"One liter? You?"

"YES I AM A GIGANTIC WHITE PERSON NOW GIVE ME MY GIGANTIC BEER."

(I also had the pork knuckle, which the menu suggested was "for 2-3 people.")

And later I ordered another beer. That's right, waitress - I'm a gweilo and THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

Our Epic Trip: Highlights - The longest train trip in the world, and the Buddhist monastery in Xiahe

2011-09-03T08:58:00.023+08:00

I've posted photos of some cute cats and, most importantly, posted about the glorious food, but I suppose I should describe a bit of what we actually did on Epic Trip.

The trip itself was action-packed with nary a lull in sight - with the exception of train and bus trips. For example, the 44-hour train ride from Shenzhen. The only seats left were the top bunks in a car stuffed with about 70 other people. We were about 20 inches from the ceiling.

Children screaming. No air conditioning. Near death. Please note my shirt soaked with sweat -

We were saved only by the beer trolley wheeled up and down the train by a woman who I grew to love dearly. And by a pretty good restaurant car. Eggs with chilies, greens with fungus -

Tofu with chilies, sour and spicy potatoes, eggs with tomatoes -

And other passengers trying to escape the screaming mayhem of our car -

We got off for five-minute periods at various stops to stretch our, well, everythings. (Note the bandana tied Axl Rose-style. I found that a bandana soaked in cold water is actually very poor protection from mid-August, mid-China heat.)

Luckily I've blocked out most of that journey by now.

So let's begin with the first highlight of the trip.

We took a bus to visit a Buddhist monastery on the Tibetan Plateau in the town of Xiahe. What should’ve been a 4-hour bus ride turned into an 8-hour clusterf*ck for many reasons – not least of which was that for much of the journey the bus driver let his wife drive while he walked alongside to try to solicit passengers.

Also, I found out that Tibetans are terribly prone to motion sickness. I was surrounded by vomiting. But no worries – they were kind enough to vomit neatly in plastic bags. And then throw them out the bus window.

But the town and the monastery were beautiful, especially after a brief afternoon thunderstorm.

Up next - the Great Wall, and wandering in an industrial wasteland.

Our Epic Trip: Mainland cats

2011-09-02T06:11:00.006+08:00

Yeah, so I took some photos of some mountains and stuff, but most of the time I was too lazy to dig my camera out of my bag. But cats? Always photo-worthy. Here are some of the kitties.

We tried to give this kitten some chicken, but he only wanted bones and cigarette butts:

Tied up outside a shop:

Chillin' on a scooter:

Neighborhood watch:

A shady spot:

Headed home:

Waiting for customers:

This guy did not want his photo taken - biting the camera strap:

So I placated him with rubs:

Epic Trip: And now for something completely different

2011-08-29T16:53:00.015+08:00

Upon crossing the border from China into Kazakhstan, the food immediately changes. Food vendors on station platforms are now selling smoked salmon instead of instant noodles. Potato dumplings instead of fruit. Blinis instead of more instant noodles. And while the food in China was excellent, I was happy for a change. In the first ten hours or so that our train was in Kazakhstan, I had blinis and pierogi and borsht and beer and it was all wonderful.

It's a good thing, however, that we were only in Kazakhstan for a few days, because with this change in diet comes an immediate change in phenotype. The people are gigantic, both horizontally and vertically, and if I'd stayed much longer I would've fit in a bit too well.

A few of the delicacies we tried:

This was listed on the menu as "round biscuit with egg and cheese." What it actually was? A 10-kilo butter bomb. But fabulous.

Potatoes and wild mushrooms cooked in butter, served with pickled cabbage:

Various salads with herbs - primarily dill and coriander -

Oh, and mayonnaise. Lots and lots of mayonnaise.

The photo above is smoked horse meat salad. One of the best things I ate there.

Beer and cream horn. Traditional Kazakh breakfast -

Raw horse steaks and veggies -

Which we grilled on a hot stone at our table -

A perfect potato -

This guy had a stand selling various types of pickles at the green market. I tried every one -

In fact, here is my bag of pickles with the rest of my breakfast - a meat pastry and tea brewed with milk instead of water -

Various pickled veggies at the market. I found that if you stare long enough they give you samples -

Snacks... If you're like my mom and you buy bags of croutons to snack on, you'll love these. Taste just like croutons without the stigma of snacking on a salad accessory -

Mushroom and sour cream potato chips -

Caviar potato chips -

Cookies sold in bulk -

And after telling a guy I wanted a kilo of biscuits, I now know how much a kilo is. It's a hell of a lot. We ate biscuits for days.

Kelly and I ordered the same beer, but mine was served as it should be to a lady - in a curvy glass with a straw -

Bonus pic! The snack you get on China Southern Airlines from Almaty to Urumqi? A cucumber wrapped in plastic.

Epic Trip: Our food in China

2011-08-29T08:57:00.021+08:00

A few days ago we got back from our epic 5,000-plus mile trip from Hong Kong to Kazakhstan and back. We spent a month taking trains, buses, taxis, planes, small three-wheeled contraptions, and camels, and returned to Hong Kong exhausted and filthy and a bit stunned. But what a trip - watching the sun rise over the Gobi Desert... climbing mountains to watch the early morning mist swirl around snow-covered peaks... being briefly placed under house arrest... it was magical.

But let me start with what everyone wants to see - the food.

Traveling through China, we feasted daily on all of our favorite Sichuan dishes.

Potatoes, either fried with chilies -

Or "sour and spicy" -

Dry-fried green beans -

Various types of noodles -

Tofu -

And other delicacies, like bread brushed with mutton fat and spices and then grilled at the night market -

The bread came with the skewers of mutton that I ordered. I ordered "two." Which is apparently two servings - not two skewers. But no problem - I ate all twenty of them -

A gigantic plate of chicken with chilies -

Stir-fried green onions with strips of tofu -

"Three thread salad" -

Lotus root with chili, three-thread salad, cucumbers -

Um... steamed lettuce. With chili and peanuts. Not so great, really.

Very spicy chilies with black bean sauce -

Eggplant and green beans -

Skewers of eggplant and garlic -

And the meal we had at our hotel's Mongolian restaurant while under house arrest in Hejing. Spicy jellyfish salad (Little-known fact: Mongols were traditionally jellyfish herders. Seahorses were domesticated for this purpose.) -

Egg and chive dumplings -

Flatbread with mutton and fried egg -

And beansprouts -

In fact, while in China we only ate meat two or three times. Not out of deference to Kelly's vegetarianism (because when have I ever deferred to that?) but because the veggies are just so damn good.

The street food was fabulous, as always. This is an area where Hong Kong is almost completely deficient, so I tried everything I could.

Quail eggs cooked in cast iron -

A cart where you pick what you want...

And they'll deep fry it (fried lettuce is surprisingly tasty) -

A thin pancake filled with egg, radish, carrot, green onions, lettuce, and chili sauce -

And because we were on the train so much, we had a chance to try all sorts of snacks. They were universally good.

Spicy lotus root -

Um... pear breast -

And pickled tofu and soybeans -

Up next - the food in Kazakhstan. Spoiler alert: it's very, very different.

That's... That's not really helpful.

2011-05-15T04:52:00.002+08:00

Wat

2011-04-29T12:26:00.006+08:00

Sometimes in China you find a lady wearing only a furry vest while starting a fire on the sidewalk.

In her defense, it was a bit chilly that day.

Why knowing even the tiniest bit of Canto is important

2011-04-25T10:27:00.003+08:00

I was on my way to the market today when I heard the people behind me say gweilo ("white person". Well, technically, "white devil"). I couldn't understand what else they were saying, but looked back and they were looking at me. So I walked a bit slower, and as they passed me I said (in Cantonese) "I understand Cantonese."

I didn't have a clue in hell what they were talking about, but they looked horrified. Very satisfying.

Want to learn a bit of Canto? Go here. Or here.

Brunch cures everything

2011-04-17T19:20:00.008+08:00

After a late night in Lan Kwai Fong we needed, well, help. So we bussed it to Causeway Bay for brunch at TOTT's. And yes - it was the cure for what ailed us. (The endless refills of champagne didn't hurt. At all.)

Plate one - salmon with champagne cream and fennel; kobe beef slider; salad; rice paper roll; crab legs; prawn; roasted red snapper:

Plate two - pasta salad with asparagus; lamb; rice paper roll; salad; oyster with mignonette; seared foie gras; stilton:

Plate three - crab legs; beef with horseradish cream; chicken with ratatouille; cambozola; braised beef cheeks in port wine; crayfish; oyster:

Plate four (things were starting to get a little fuzzy at this point) - brie, goat cheese, and stilton; creme caramel; berry tart; coffee tart; a strip of bacon; salmon:

Plate five - chocolate mousse; caramel cheesecake; chocolate pecan pie; raspberry mousse; chocolate covered pineapple:

And yet more food...

Desserts:

Crab legs, oysters, prawns, caviar, clams, crayfish:

Sushi and sashimi:

Salmon:

Various cheeses and meats:

And the most beautiful thing I've ever seen - a contraption that holds a huge hunk of cheese under a heat source where it melts and is then scraped onto a piece of bread for you:

I wept.

More Chinese cats

2011-04-16T06:04:00.011+08:00

First, Seng Nin - otherwise known as "Fat Pharmacy Cat". He lives at the pharmacy next door:

I've gone to visit him so many times that now, when I walk into the pharmacy to pick up a medication, they immediately say "Seng Nin?!" and run to the back to get him if he's sleeping.

And more cats around Hong Kong and the mainland....

A mother with kittens along the Tuen Mun promenade:

Cat and his chicken friends in Guangdong province:

A market kitty in the mainland somewhere:

For God's sake kitten, wipe your nose. Have some dignity:

This cat much fatter than he looks. He lives in Lo Uk Tsuen. Why is this text underlined? I don't know.

And this little buddy is my favorite. He lives at the Tung Chung ferry pier. Here he is getting in trouble with one of the pier workers for bothering fishermen. The worker was trying to keep him from running onto the pier:

After he evaded the guy and ran like hell onto the pier, he got in trouble so he got put on a leash and tied to a chair in an office:

Look at that face!

I kept sneaking in and petting him, so the guy brought him out and tied his leash to one of the seats in the ferry waiting area instead.

I love him.

The Noble Path

2011-04-15T17:59:00.004+08:00

My sis is visiting Hong Kong and I am, of course, taking her to all of the high points.

Today we took the ferry to Lantau to visit the Po Lin monastery and the giant Buddha...

...but we just ended up drinking beer and watching this trampoline hip-hop performance instead.

Wedding bells and sea cucumbers

2011-04-14T11:41:00.015+08:00

On Monday Kelly and I attended our first Chinese wedding. In many aspects it was similar to American weddings - the church, the dress, the reception. In others, it was quite different - the fake wedding cake, the start time of 2 p.m. and end time of 12:30 a.m., the fish head with fangs...

But let's start from the beginning.

Kelly and I got all cleaned up...

... and headed to St. Margaret's Church in Happy Valley.

It was a Catholic service, so there was lots of standing up, sitting down, standing up, praying, sitting down, communion, standing up, etc. But a very touching ceremony.

Next was a reception at the Hong Kong Cricket Club, with pâté, gravelox, crab samosas, mango cheesecake, sangria, and other goodies.

The next scheduled event was mahjong and cards at the Peninsula, which a few of us skipped. We went to The Pawn instead - an excellent bar in Causeway Bay.

And on to the Peninsula for the wedding banquet. The place was gorgeous:

The wedding cake, which was fake but still beautiful:

And now to the 12-course banquet...

Course one - barbecued suckling pig:

Course two - sauteed sea cucumber with vegetables and sweetened walnuts:

Course three - deep-fried crab patties with conpoy and jellyfish:

Course four - stewed green vegetables with bamboo pith and Yunnan ham:

Course five - bird's nest soup with seafood and fungus:

Course six - braised sliced abalone with cloud fungus and vegetables:

Course seven - steamed spotted garoupa:

(and the garoupa's head, which was placed on our table, and whose cheeks I ate):

Course eight - Cantonese-style deep-fried chicken:

Course nine - fried rice with diced roasted duck and taro:

Course ten - braised e-fu noodles with black mushrooms:

Course eleven - sweetened chestnut cream with rice dumplings:

And course twelve - Chinese petits fours:

We got home around 2 a.m. I think. It's a bit of a blur.

Decorating the flat for Easter

2011-03-28T11:56:00.003+08:00

When preparing to take a shower Kelly likes to kick off his boxers, aiming for my head. He thinks this is hilarious. Except when they fly out the window.

Keepin' it classy in Tuen Mun.

Japan frenzy

2011-03-21T09:28:00.007+08:00

I ran to the grocery store on Friday for beer, and it was a MADHOUSE. People crowded the aisles (well, the beer aisle was clear, which was nice - usually it's full of elderly men spending 20 minutes picking out the ONE can of beer they're going to buy), the lines reached the back of the store - you could barely move. I finally got home, checked out the Hong Kong news, and it turns out that people were madly buying up all of the salt (iodine), bananas (potassium) and rice (just 'cause) in town in response to the threat of radiation.

But Friday afternoon I had to meet a friend at Starbucks. When I got there it was packed. No seats, a line of about fifty people snaking around the restaurant and down the stairs - again, you couldn't even move.

I thought "Great - some jerk has started a rumor that coffee protects you from radiation and now there won't be coffee in Hong Kong for weeks." But I'm a cynical ass. From 4:30-5:30 on Friday Starbucks was donating all profits to aid for Japan. And I'm even more of an ass for seeing the long line, being too lazy to wait, and buying a Nescafe at 7-11 instead.

Donate here.

Because "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" just isn't how China rolls.

2011-03-20T21:11:00.002+08:00

Well, yes. Yes, that's true.

2011-03-15T20:27:00.001+08:00

A romantic cruise in Shenzhen (Part II: OMG TACOS!)

2011-03-14T16:59:00.013+08:00

The primary reason we traveled to this area of Shenzhen was that the last time we'd been there we saw that holy grail of all displaced Americans - a Tex-Mex restaurant. After almost two taco-less years in Hong Kong (soft tacos DO NOT COUNT), we were desperate. So in we walked to:

We started with chips and four kinds of salsa: red, tomatillo, black bean, and pico de gallo, and all were excellent. Tasted straight out of Texas. I have no idea where they get the tomatillos, but that was some damn fine salsa.

Kelly had one of the only vegetarian options - the Mexican crepe. Basically crepes filled with cheese and peppers. He said it was good, but didn't look terribly excited.

But here's what I'd been waiting for - TACOS. Four beautiful, crunchy, heavenly tacos.

One of the happiest moments of my life.

But we didn't only have Tex-Mex (although that would've been fine by me). We also had Indian:

Uh... "European":

And possibly the worst thing I've ever had in my life - Dunkin' Donut's "NEW Salty Munchikins!"

After we ate one the guy behind the counter saw the looks on our faces and just started laughing - "Hahaha! Terrible! Terrible! Hahahahaha!"

And they truly were.

A romantic cruise in beautiful Shenzhen (Part I)

2011-03-10T11:29:00.021+08:00

Last weekend Kelly and I decided to get away. To leave mobile phones and laptops at home. To spend time just... together. Getting to know each other again. Remembering why we fell in love. Gazing into each other's HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh... my god... *wipes tear from eye*

Sorry. We went away last weekend because we saw this amazingly kitsch hotel a few months ago in Shenzhen and we haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So off we went to... Cruise Inn:

This is an old cruise ship that used to be docked in Shenzhen Bay. But as the bay was reclaimed around it, it became landlocked. It's now a hotel/restaurant complex and it is a wonderland.

First the completely-over-the-top (even for China) lobby:

You can't tell from the photo, but yes - that is a moat filled with koi surrounding the grand piano.

And then on to our room. Kelly booked the "Romantic Seaview Cabin", which looked something like this:

(the most tiles I've seen in a bathroom, ever.)

But... why is this "romantic"? Because the bed is pink? Oh no. It's because that big pink bed is a waterbed. *cue 70's porn music*

After we stopped hysterically laughing, we went to explore the ship. This place is like the Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory of alcohol. Everywhere you looked there was a different bar with a different theme. There was the German beer garden (that brews its own beer) on the top deck:

The Sichuan place for Tsingtao and grilled corn:

The "gentlemen's club" for brandy and cigars:

And then "X-Ta-Sea" - a sports bar teeming with obese 70-year-old white men with young Chinese hotties on each arm, and an intensely bad cover band:

Lastly, here's Kelly at the demolition site in front of our hotel. This was an amphitheater and shopping area last time we were here, but is now completely destroyed. Of course Kelly was fascinated and we spent several hours (okay, minutes; but it seemed like hours) each day staring at the bulldozers.

Next post, what we did in Shenzhen (primarily, EAT).

Clubbing in Shenzhen

2011-02-23T14:23:00.017+08:00

On Saturday we trekked across the border for another night in Shenzhen. After a visit to the tailor to have some clothes made, we checked into our hotel, got dolled up, and headed out to the True Colours Club (of which there are several in Shenzhen). The first club we went to had some decent live music:

Our usual strategy is to sit at the bar, order a drink, and wait for guys to invite us over to their table, and the strategy didn't fail us this time. After a drink and some cho dai di, we were approached by Dragon, who was sitting near the stage with a group of guys, and who told us that he'd like us to come drink with them and that they were sitting with the "grandfather of Chinese bass players." Sure - why not? Ohhh... I'll tell you why not.

There was a bottle of Jack Daniels on the table, and they immediately began pouring us drinks. Now, if you've never been drinking with Chinese guys, here's how it goes - they fill your glass, then say "cheers!" or "yam boi!" and you're expected to drink. And this happens approximately every 2 minutes. Anytime you make eye contact with someone - CHEERS! So there's a lot of drinking involved.

Eventually they decided we weren't drinking enough Jack, so they bought several beers for the table. So there we were, with Dragon, Sword, and Melody (poor Melody! How is he best friends with guys named Dragon and Sword?), drinking beer and Jack, and I suddenly felt someone staring at me. That's when I realized that Sword was really "Starey." Seriously - he was staring at me. Just... staring. He was pouring me drinks, yelling in my ear repeatedly "Lei sek msek teng guang dong wah???" (Do you understand Cantonese?), to which I repeatedly replied "siu siu" (a bit). And... he keeps staring. Here's a photo taken during the only five seconds he was able to tear his eyes off the side of my face:

Someone offers me a cigarette (standard etiquette at bars in China) but before I can decline, he declines for me, saying "I do not love you if you do this." Wait... what? He's getting a bit weird, still about two inches from my face, still just staring, so I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and he follows me. I emerge from the ladies' room and he's there, hands spread in a pleading expression. Time to bail.

So we say goodbye to the guys and the Grandfather of Chinese Bass Players and head to the other True Colours Club, where there's some sort of dance-off going on (this is all the video I could get before security shut me down):

And this club has its own share of... um... characters. Primarily, Dancey. A short, stocky, blonde, mustached New Zealander who bears an incredible resemblance (both in appearance and attitude) to a golden retriever welcoming its owner home after a long workday. He was dancing. And dancing. And dancing and dancing and dancing. And he had an incredible talent for always navigating through the crowd to make sure he stayed in your eyesight. He was immensely taken with Ah-Sin, but she was ignoring him as best she could, and he was after anyone who was willing to look him in the eye. I look up from my beer and he's dancing directly in front of me. I turn around and see flailing arms in my peripheral vision. I close my eyes and have visions of him... he was absolutely irepressible. He was also the happiest person I've ever seen in my life.

So, unable to shake Dancey and still shaken from Starey, we head back to our hotel around 3 a.m. Just another evening in the mainland.

Chinese New Year

2011-02-14T12:06:00.013+08:00

Another Chinese New Year in the mainland! Larger cities like Shenzhen and Guangzhou are absolutely deserted because everyone's gone back to their home villages for the holiday. Shops and restaurants are closed and the streets are empty except for lonely tumbleweeds comprised of used toothpicks, feathers, and chicken bones, and packs of wolves stalking the feral cat population. So we headed to Si Hui, which was pure madness last year, and which didn't disappoint this one - fireworks, food vendors, throngs of people in the streets... a big party.

Also in Si Hui, we found this - a lawn farm:

If you've ever wondered where the turf on your front lawn comes from, there's a possibility it came from the excellent little town of Si Hui! Probably not, but you never know...

But our stop in Si Hui was brief, and we caught an overnight train up to Changsha in Hunan Province. On the train, first tea:

Then beer (drinking it in our sleeper car, as we were boycotting the restaurant car after a nasty altercation with the waitress - which we won, of course. Or rather, Cecilie did.):

It was such a good trip, in fact, that much of it is a complete blur to me. For example, I woke up the morning after CNY to find my shoes filled with dried sweet potatoes. Not exactly sure what happened there:

Yes, we drank many beers and made many new friends. Cards in the alley with old guys:

And two guys that were my very best friends one night. I don't remember their names:

These guys were my best friends some other night. I don't remember their names either:

Yes, Hunan was definitely the place to be. From the naked woman starting a fire on the street, to being preceded by children yelling "Foreigners are coming! Foreigners are coming!" to having our photo taken at every opportunity:

We were rock stars. Dear god, I love being stared at. Is that wrong?

From Changsha we caught a train to Chenzhou. The very communist-looking train station there:

And me waiting among the throngs of people to get a train ticket:

Urban exploration is good fun. (Until you surprise a man having a huge bowel movement in an abandoned building. But I'm sure it was more traumatizing for him than it was for me. I suspect that he'll be plagued by lifelong constipation - unable to shake the idea that a strange gweilo is about to pop up from nowhere and interrupt him.) In Changsha we traipsed around some beautiful abandoned factories, construction sites, and train tracks:

And did some filming for another upcoming masterpiece from the Happy Jellyfish People's Democratic Language Bureau:

And spent some time at the local police station (long story), where the officers gave us cookies, offered to share their dinner, and watched fireworks with us outside the station. Yes, those Red Police are just terrifying*:

And a few bonus photos from the trip - a chicken claw that waved to me from the ground in Si Hui:

A man selling cotton candy from his bicycle:

A man selling slices of the biggest fruitcake I've ever seen, also from his bike:

And lastly, the wonderful, ubiquitous signage:

Happy Year of the Rabbit!

* Of course, they're not demolishing my homestead of 60 years because the government has decided to build a new 20-lane highway. I imagine they can be a bit off-putting then.

Culinary odyssey in Hunan Province

2011-02-09T10:16:00.012+08:00

Okay, I'm back. I haven't posted in a while because a few months ago my darling husband had a few drinks and left our camera at a bar and, being more susceptible to inertia than the average person, I got out of the habit. Now our camera's been replaced and I have a backlog of photos to post, but I'll start with some from my recent trip to Hunan province for the Chinese New Year. I took so many photos that they'll have to be divided into two posts, so I'll start with the good stuff - the food.

Hunan food is similar to Sichuan in that it involves lots of chiles. This is good. Very, very good. Here we have tofu covered in fresh chiles, dried chiles, and chile paste (and made by a chef that called himself the "Chile King":

More tofu, cooked with chiles and spring onions:

Hey look - more tofu with chiles!

Strips of smoked tofu (which we dipped in chile sauce):

And tofu swimming in chile sauce. Bright red food is almost always good. (Yes, even those cheap hot dogs):

Almost everywhere we went, we also had variations of the amazing cucumber/garlic/chile salad. This one was heavy on the spring onions:

A version heavy on the chiles:

And one with a lot of chopped coriander:

Taro. With chile:

Taro spring rolls - basically fried bread stuffed with mashed taro - and chile sauce for dipping:

Eggplant topped with a huge mound of chopped garlic:

Dry-fried green beans (which we wolfed so fast that I barely had time for a photo):

Sichuan hot pot. Not a great photo, but it's basically a boiling vat of chili broth into which you dump various ingredients. We had lotus root, bean sprouts and noodles:

Cold noodles with chiles, peanuts, Sichuan peppercorns, and spring onions:

A fried... thing. We got this from a street vendor. It tasted like a huge potato chip with peanuts stuck on top. Deep-fried fatty goodness:

Teeny-tiny oranges we ate on the train:

Those black things are congealed pig's blood. I don't fully understand how that works. And no, I didn't try it:

Pine bud drink. It smells and tastes like a Christmas tree. A really sweet Christmas tree:

All of this, and I actually lost two pounds in six days while traveling. Is there anything China can't do?

Next up - stuff we actually did in Hunan.

My latest role

2010-11-10T19:29:00.003+08:00

Please enjoy the latest film - Learn Cantonese, Be a Babe Magnet - from The Happy Jellyfish People's Democratic Language Bureau. I appear (in a non-speaking role this time) at 2:00 and after 3:40. But watch the whole thing, because it ROCKS.

I am The Greatest Entertainer on Earth

2010-11-07T16:01:00.007+08:00

As I've said before, we recently moved out of the city to Tuen Mun, where we're among the very, very few gweilos. As such, we're the object of much fascination (and by "fascination'" I mean "staring"). And if we speak Cantonese the entertainment factor is ratcheted up about five billion notches. So today I was shopping and had a conversation that went something like this (the conversation was in Canto - this is the English translation):

[I'm walking through the mall and I see a shirt hanging in a shop window. I go into the shop.]

Me: Excuse me! How much is this? [I point to the shirt in the window]

Shopgirl: giggle giggle giggle giggle giggle

Me: This one. [pointing again]

Shopgirl: giggle giggle gigglegigglegigglegiggle!

[she takes down the shirt and shows me the price tag. I look it over, decide I want it]

Me: Okay, I want it.

Shopgirl: GIGGLEGIGGLEGIGGLEGIGGLE!!!!

[she rings me up and starts to put the shirt in a bag]

Me: I don't want a bag, thanks.

Shopgirl: GIGGLEGIGGLEGIGGLE *SNORT* GIGGLEGIGGLE okay bye byeeeeee!

But it was all worth it, because here is my excellent new shirt (please also note the leg warmers that I got at the same mall):

And yesterday I almost shut down an entire supermarket by walking into a column while texting. This caused uproarious laughter, but it was when I cursed in Cantonese that the situation neared critical hilarity threshold and everyone around me almost completely lost their minds. I could still hear the laughter when I was three aisles away, and I had four kids follow me throughout the market waiting for the gweilo to do something else ridiculous. You know, like talk. Or exist.

I am a rock star.

NRK

2010-11-04T08:16:00.031+08:00

The past week has been slightly more insane than usual because Norwegian public television is in town to make a documentary about Cecilie. This entails much drinking, filming, drinking, and drinking, and an epic (and comicotragic) trip to the mainland.

So here are the guys - the excellent NRK crew:

We were in the mainland, in the process of demolishing another great Sichuan meal. Why can't you get food like this in Hong Kong? Every other cuisine in the world is available - Nepalese, Mexican, Italian, Cajun... there's a New York deli and a sushi bar... a west African place and a Pizza Hut... Starbucks and McDonald's and Burger King and Popeye's... and yet, NO good Sichuan food. Why? Luckily Shenzhen is just 45 short minutes away, and on the other side of that crowded and increasingly security-conscious and incredibly irritating border control is a Sichuan wonderland.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you about our two-day trip to Yunfu, approximately 16 hours of which were spent in a tiny van with a perpetually lost driver and one cassette tape of the same six songs.

Cecilie and our driver, Ah-Hong:

Ah-Hong has lovely eyes, enjoys long drives and U-turns, and is looking for someone with a map.

And this is what being squished in a miniature van with four giant Norwegian guys and dawning hysteria is like:

The few hours we spent outside of the car, however, made the trip worth it. Beautiful scenery:

charming villages:

typical signs:

suspicious children:

and an abandoned cement factory where we got tossed out by the security guard, but not before I managed to step in TWO mud puddle/quicksand/unknown animal poop piles.

I threw those shoes away.

And bonus photo - Cecilie and I on set of the newest Happy Jellyfish film:

(I'm the one without the mustache.)

The big move

2010-11-01T08:30:00.009+08:00

I haven't posted for a while because we moved from the Mid-Levels to Tuen Mun, and we just got internet hooked up again. Tuen Mun is very, very different. Very few gweilos live out here, and pretty much nobody speaks English, so our Canto will have to improve (of course, that's not helped by people giggling hysterically whenever I try to speak it). But Tuen Mun is quiet and peaceful, and we've got a killer view from our flat. Some photos of our new neighborhood:

Lying on the sofa, watching the boats, not wearing pants:

View from our living room - the pool and the Tuen Mun promenade:

Watching the sun rise:

On the promenade outside our flat:

Dr. Seussian park nearby:

A playground for elderly people to stretch their tai chi muscles:

Reflexology stones - you walk slowly along the stones and they hit pressure points in your feet. I did not notice any benefits of doing this, but my feet hurt like hell the next morning.

So, here's how you move in Hong Kong: the movers show up around 9 a.m., and you leave. You leave your clothes in the closet, your food in the fridge, your pictures on the wall - everything. You go have a leisurely brunch (I had samosas and a salad, thanks) then you go to your new place. The movers show up and unpack everything - they put your food in the fridge, your clothes in the closet, your half-used bar of soap in your new shower... the nice man even picked a panty drawer for me and carefully FOLDED all of my underwear and stashed them away. The whole process took only three hours. This sure as hell beats recruiting all of your friends with promises of beer and pizza, calling that one guy you really don't like to hang out with but hey he's got a pickup truck so maybe you can stand him for one day, struggling with oddly-sized boxes you picked up from the liquor store... So after only three hours and absolutely no effort on your part, you're completely moved to your new place and it looks as if you've lived there forever. God, I love Hong Kong.

My favorite part of the new flat is this lighted cabinet by the door. It's currently displaying my extensive collection of 7-11 toys:

And now, a bonus picture! Sometimes when you're shopping for flowers, you come across a bag of skin.

Yes. A bag of skin.

A bag. Of skin.

Back to nature

2010-10-18T07:58:00.015+08:00

Ahh... a lovely October day in Hong Kong. The weather's getting cooler, the sky is clear - what better day for a hike along the lovely beaches of Lantau Island?

Looking for seashells on the pristine beach...

Observing the wildlife....

Admiring the local vegetation....

Communing with nature soothes the soul.

note 1: most photos by Kelly, because he loves taking pictures of junk.

note 2: Lantau really is beautiful, but Kelly was holding the camera this time so these are the only photos we got.

Fusion cuisine

2010-10-18T07:54:00.005+08:00

Can't decide between egg rolls and spaghetti for dinner? Why choose just one?

Marco Polo would be proud.

Chinese cats

2010-10-12T14:27:00.006+08:00

Business as usual

2010-09-30T18:03:00.011+08:00

Yesterday I journeyed over to Kowloon - The Dark Side of Hong Kong. Although the Hong Kong government is doing its best to tear down everything built over ten years ago, some vestiges of the chaotic, Chinese, non-shiny city remain.

Including the Lucky Brothel. Apparently the cheapest whore is a mainlander - they go for 200 HKD (I assume by the hour?) - but the prices go all the way up to 500 HKD for a blonde. I'm seriously thinking of bleaching my hair and moving in - I'm too lazy to get a real job.

Also still standing is Hong Kong's oldest housing estate, built sometime in the 50s. Residents were recently forced to move out and the government says it's preserving the building to serve as a museum. But we know how that goes. There'll be a Gucci at ground-level within a year.

The only good thing about all the work being done in the area? The workers. The beautiful, beautiful workers. So all the gweilos who are afraid to leave Central? Fine. More for me.

(Photo by Cecilie Gamst Berg. You should check out her blog - it's way more interesting than mine.)

When it rains, it pours.

2010-09-20T21:46:00.005+08:00

So today I'm sitting at home in the office getting some work done (i.e. chatting on Facebook and listening to music) when I get a call from Kelly - he's at the doctor and he needs me to come there NOW. So I bust ass down the escalator to Queens Road, run up to the doctor, and find Kelly moaning and writhing in pain - they think he has kidney stones and needs to go to the hospital. He's in too much pain to walk, so the ambulance comes and they load him into a stretcher and off we go (I got to ride in the back of the ambulance! And not as the patient! A first!).*

At the hospital, they won't even let him out of the lobby until I shell out 6,000 HKD. While I'm dealing with that, I hear Kelly say that he's going to vomit. I have never seen people move so fast. Immediately, the three EMTs scatter in different directions yelling LEI YAO MO DOYA?!!!! (do you have a bag?). Kelly vomits from the pain just as I finish the transaction, and he's wheeled into an extremely beige ward housing seven other men in varying stages of, well, death.

Kelly continues to writhe and sweat and moan and beg for painkillers, repeatedly pushing the nurse call button, until someone finally comes and says, "painness?" After several emphatic yesses he gets a shot in the ass and calms down. The doctor comes to see him and says he'll have to stay overnight, but he's not allowed any food because "you'll just vomit from the pain when you pass the stone." Spreading cheer all around, these Hong Kong doctors.

I get kicked out at 9 p.m., but not before I realize that I've left my umbrella in the ambulance. And it's a typhoon signal three. That means it's raining really, really, REALLY hard. So I walk. And get wet. Very, very wet. Wet in my soul. So wet, in fact, (and this is the saddest part of the story) that when I stop to buy beer the store owner won't let me in his shop. Effing Shakespeare couldn't write tragedy like this.**

* The best part - the ambulance driver's cell went off on the way to the hospital. The ring tone? "Had a Bad Day."

** Of course I just came home, dried off, and went back to the store. Because there's no way I'm NOT drinking after that.

Buffalo and beer. And more beer.

2010-09-20T07:27:00.011+08:00

Saturday was hot and humid, as usual, so the only thing to do was head out to Lantau Island for an evening on Ah-Sin's rooftop garden. Because if you're not going to be in the air conditioning, you might as well be sweating profusely in lovely surroundings. So we bought some beer, got the ferry to Mui Wo, and were walking the beach by six p.m.

Waiting for the ferry, wilting in the heat:

Pui O beach:

After a walk on the beach it was back to the roof for beer and cards and more beer. And dancing. And minor skirmishes over music selection. And then some beer. View from the roof:

And the only photo from the evening that's suitable for general consumption, me shuffling cards:

The next morning (after a brief GarageBand tutorial) it was off to yam cha and then to Wan Chai for a disappointingly-attended pro-Canto rally.

And now I'm back in the air con. Thank god.

****

Bonus photo:

Cute puppies cure hangovers.